For those of a certain age

Its been a tough winter, to be sure. So today I'd like to try to brighten your day with some jokes about those people of a certain age, like me.

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby. I've got no hair, no teeth and I just wet myself."

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A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She says to her husband, "Darling, I'm old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment." "Well," he replies, "your eyesight is still good!"

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A man in his late 70s is at the pub with a mate of his, discussing their respective wives. "Mine still thinks she's a young woman." "If you want to know how young she is, you could try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what's for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on. The sooner she hears you, the younger she is." So, an hour later, the man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of about 30 feet from his wife: "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He goes a bit closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He goes closer, asks it again, no response. When he's finally standing in the doorway of the kitchen, about 5 feet away from his wife, he yells, "Honey, what's for dinner?!" His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: "I've already told you three times now: chicken and mushrooms!"

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Three old ladies with hearing problems are walking down the street. One: "Whew, it's windy today!" Two: "No. Today's Thursday!" Three: "So am I! Let's get a drink!"

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A group of elderly people are discussing their various ailments. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee." "Yes, I know my cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I can"t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck!" "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy." "Well, I guess that's just the price we pay for getting old." Everyone agreed, except one woman who said, "Well, it's not that bad! Thank God, we can all still drive."

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A man came to my door collecting for an old folks home, so I gave him my husband!

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Old is when … "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when … happy hour is a nap.

Old is when … in a hostage situation you're likely to be released first.

Old is when … it's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Old is when … people call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Old is when … kidnappers are not very interested in you.

Old is when … people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Old is when … there's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Old is when … things you buy now won't wear out.

Old is when … when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Old is when … you can eat dinner at 4 o'clock.

Old is when … you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when … you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money.

Old is when … your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

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Hope you enjoyed them. Think spring!