Prepare for the inevitable

Peg is an 88-year-old woman who goes to yoga class every day.

Many admire her because she can do every move and can keep up with others decades younger than she is.

I find her admirable for an additional reason. After her husband of 53 years passed away, and she was alone in the area, she worked hard to make a new life for herself.

She had to, because like many wives she had wrapped her life around her husband. When he was gone there was no one left in her life.

"I forced myself to get in the car and drive to every activity and club I could join. I went by myself and kept trying to make friends. Eventually, I did exactly that," she says.

She told me one rule of hers is to never say no when someone asks her to do something. "I at least try it," she says.

As one who tries not to say no to new adventures, on her 85th birthday she went parasailing for the first time. It's easy to see why she has so many people who are happy to call her a friend.

When I listen to her, I think her attitude could benefit so many other widows.

She now thinks she has the perfect life and is fast to credit her late husband for the way he set it up for her. He made sure she was prepared for the inevitable.

"Because he was older than I was, he was sure he would die first. He wanted to make sure I was prepared to live on my own," she says.

"He kept saying, 'I want you to know where everything is and know how to do this,' and insisted that I pay attention even though I would have preferred leaving it all up to him."

At one point he came up with an idea Peg didn't like. He bought a small condo on the beach 'for when he wasn't there anymore.'

"I told him I never wanted to leave my big home, but he insisted when I got older and was living on my own I would want the comfort of not having to do home maintenance," Peg said.

When her husband passed away, their big house suddenly became too big and living in the condo was a welcome alternative.

"It's small, but at this age it's all I need and the view is incredible," she says.

Peg's husband was an extraordinary man in that he did everything to prepare her for when he is gone.

From talking with other couples, I can tell you that attitude is far from the norm. Death is not something people want to think about, especially their own. And few men try to prepare their wives for life without them.

But since every statistic says guys, in general, have a shorter life span than women, it stands to reason that at some point many women will be left alone.

Last weekend I went away for a few days with a group of women that included at least four who had recently lost their husbands. When I brought up the subject of preparing for the inevitable, all four said they didn't "talk about it."

These women are fortunate because they have a great support system of friends who are there for them through every crisis. They find companionship and consolation in each other.

But they all said they wish they would have had "those talks" while their husband was still there.

I remember when I tried to do exactly that with my own late husband who had multiple health problems, including two strokes and three cases of cancer.

Yet when I tried to talk about things like a cemetery lot or financial matters, he didn't want to hear it. I remember one memorable time when Andy shot back with the protest, "You act like you think I'm going to die."

I told him we are all going to die and couples need to talk about it, understand each other's wishes and make plans as much as possible.

My recently widowed friends agree with me that it's impossible to be completely prepared for the loss of one's spouse. Even in cases like Andy where he was sick for over 12 years, it's impossible to be prepared for the loss and emptiness.

But it's not impossible to be prepared financially or to know how to take over things by yourself.

One woman I just met was forced to go to our local food pantry for help after her husband died. She said she had no idea she would lose one Social Security check when he died. She thought she could keep on getting her Social Security as well as her husband's. They never talked about how she would survive.

Another acquaintance of mine had to downsize to a small apartment when her husband died. Then when she still couldn't make it financially, she had to move to an even smaller place in a mobile home park.

She said she and Tom never discussed any options, and she was totally unprepared.

This is not a happy subject, I realize. It's not fun to read or to think about.

But anyone who cares about a spouse can give the essential gift of preparing for the inevitable.

Call it the last gift of love.

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.