Life in the left lane

When I drive the Pennsy Pike, I stay right, pass left, and do the speed limit or go up to 10 above. It used to be the left lane was just for passing, but now passing on the right is almost as common.

A lot of left-laners won't go right unless they need to weave in and out to keep up their excessive speed to where they are going. If they get behind you in the left lane, they use tailgating as a weapon to chase you over or flashing of their headlights informing you to get the heck out of their way.

Once, on the Jersey Pike, I was flashed by a red Mustang doing nearly a hundred in the left lane. Three miles up the road, I pulled into a rest stop and there was the car, parked in front of a Dunkin' Donuts. It was autumn. It must have been the last day for a sale on pumpkin spice coffee.

In my twisted view of things, I would do this experiment. I'd drive 100 miles in the left lane at the speed limit without ever moving to the right. I would imagine myself using supernatural and telepathic ability to read each approaching driver's mind to know why he gets so close at such a high speed. Then I would return a remark to him telepathically. Below are examples of mind melds I might have with several different motorists. This all would happen while I glance in my rearview mirror at a front grille that's nearly kissing my back bumper.

Driver 1: I have a very important job to go to, so move over.

Me: Is your job more important than God's? Well, guess what? That's me. I have souls to save today. Now tell me you have more important things to do.

Driver 2: I've got to get home before my wife so she doesn't suspect that I'm cheating on her with my office secretary. Of course, I'm not.

Me: Soon you won't have to drive so fast. When your wife finds out about your affair, you won't be able to go home anymore.

Driver 3: I don't want to miss the start of the Eagles' game.

Me: Forget the game. Your wife has a jar filled with chores for you to do today and then you're going shopping.

Driver 4: I need to get home before the snowstorm starts.

Me: I need to get home before you get home to see if we have enough bread and milk.

Driver 5: My girlfriend loves to go fast and if you saw her, you would too.

Me: I have my 80-year-old mother in my car and she likes to go slow. If you saw her you would go slow too, if you want to be 80 someday.

Driver 6: Today is my day to be ticked off at the world. Get out of my way!

Me: Well, this is my day to be filled with joy. Let me sing, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," to cheer you up.

There's a story behind every pedal to the metal. I just love the guy at a cocktail party who, after I tell him it takes me nearly an hour to get from Jim Thorpe to Allentown, will turn to me with one of those you-know-what kind of grins on his face and say,

"Really? I can do it in 35 minutes. You must be driving too slow in the right lane with all the old people."

George Carlin said, "Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?"

Imagine if they could make every car's engine go no faster than 55 mph on the turnpike.

I would look in my rearview mirror at the guy behind me. He's wincing and perspiring in anguish with his nose pressed against the windshield and his foot slammed down against the gas pedal. I really do feel bad for him. He shouldn't have eaten that leftover burrito for breakfast this morning.

Contact Rich Strack at katehep11@gmail.com