Recognizing the different kinds of love

By Pattie Mihalik

newsgirl@comcast.net

I just finished a book by an Italian mystery writer that was only mildly interesting but he had an interesting premise.

We would be better off, he said, if the English language had more words for love. He noted that the Greeks had six different words for love:

Eros, sexual, romance

Agape, love for all

Philia, deep friendship

Storge, (familial) loving family or bonded by chance

Ludus, playful love

Pragma, (pragmatic) long-standing love

Philautia, love of self

Then, two days later, when I went to an Emmaus ladies meeting, I was surprised when the speaker centered her talk on the Greek words for love.

Two days after that, my friend Jeanne sent me a Facebook excerpt from the new book, "How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life."

The author says the ancient Greeks would have been "shocked by our crudeness to use a single word to whisper I love you or to casually sign an email."

First, I heard next to nothing about the six Greek words for love. Then, in one week, I'm exposed to it three times.

"It's time we introduce the six varieties of love into our everyday way of thinking and speaking," said an article in Yes magazine.

I don't think that's going to happen. But I do think we gain when we understand there are different kinds of love.

When most people think of the word love, they think of the romantic version of being physically attracted to someone.

Most of us are physically attracted to someone (Eros) because of looks or other surface reasons. But if there isn't more to it than that, the relationship is doomed to eventually flicker out.

People marry in the belief that their love will last. If they made a wise choice, what started as physical attraction will deeper into Pragma, a long-standing love with patience, tolerance and mutual respect.

But I think the real philosopher was Forrest Gump with his famous line: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get."

When we pick what we hope will be a life partner, we never do know what we're going to get.

I often think of my mother who married the second time to a gentle, good man. But Ziggy was also quite good looking and my mother saw how other women were attracted to him.

Mom's first husband, my dad, didn't stay faithful. She said she had no idea how faithful Ziggy would be.

I watched as their mutual feelings for each other deepened. But the real love story transpired when my mother got Alzheimer's. Ziggy took care of her through thick and thin. When she eventually had to go in a nursing home, Ziggy visited every single day and stayed with her, no matter what.

I saw him lovingly stroke Mom's cheek, telling her she was still beautiful. Nurses told me they were brought to tears when they saw his unflinching love for her.

I don't know the Greek word for that. Perhaps it's part of Pragma, giving love instead of receiving it. But I do know that kind of faithfulness is something we all hope for.

After the Emmaus talk, we broke into discussion groups as we always do, sharing our thoughts and experiences.

One women in my group said she's irritated with the meaningless way people use the word love. She said her husband's family ends every conversation with her by saying, "I love you."

"They don't love me," she says. "They live far away and don't even know me. It takes years before we can rightfully say we love someone."

I don't agree with that. Sometimes my love for a new friend bubbles up inside me.

Sometimes I look around church or at a volunteer group where people come to help others and, as the song goes, I feel the love.

Sometimes when I look at good people I feel such love for them.

I'm glad the Greeks gave us words to explain the different kinds of love.

For my close friend Jeanne and for the special friends in my life, I feel Philia, a deep friendship.

And when I look at the good people giving of their time to make life better for others, I feel Agape, love for all.

The older I get, the more I feel the love of Agape.

A while back while my husband and I were having dinner with three couples we were just starting to know, I was called to task because I used the word love.

When I saw the pasta dish one woman ordered, I commented I should have ordered that too, because "I love pasta."

"No you don't love pasta," she said. "You may like pasta and prefer pasta, but you certainly can't love it.

"The word love," she proclaimed, "is grossly overused."

I countered by telling her if she knew me better, she would know I truly love pasta, just like I love life.

I love nature. I love where I live. I love the outdoors. I love the people in my life.

I don't think this world suffers from an overuse of the word love. I think we need to use it more and mean it more.

There's a lot wrong with this world. But I don't think that includes "too much love."

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.