Inside Looking Out: What we say without words

Imagine if for one full day, we had a power outage of human talk and texting.

For this 24-hour period, the only ways we could communicate with one another would be with our body language and with our eyes.

The point I’m getting at here is that the challenge of this experience would be to communicate our emotions without words. We do it every day anyway, but when we speak or text, sometimes the honesty of how we really feel inside doesn’t coincide with the words we say.

A while back I spoke to a college baseball scout. He said that when he comes to watch a possible recruit, the kid’s baseball abilities are no longer in question. The scout already knows all his statistics, so even if the kid strikes out four times that day, he’s still high on the college’s recruitment list.

So what does the scout look for in the kid during one game? He observes and takes notes on body language. Does the kid slump his shoulders or toss the bat if he makes an out? Does he go back to the dugout and sit in the corner, or is he on the top step rooting for his teammate who bats after him? Does he hustle on and off the field even if his team is losing by several runs?

The scout, who never gets out of his car during the game so he can remain incognito, will look through binoculars and follow the kid into the dugout to see how he takes a drink of water.

“His body language when he takes a drink should not reflect the score of the game. We’re looking for his consistent enthusiasm, his unwavering focus on the game of baseball,” said the scout. “If we don’t like what we see, the kid’s ability doesn’t matter. There are plenty of potentially great players to choose from out there. Baseball is a game of focus and failure. If his body language tells us he loses focus or he emotionally can’t handle failure, he’s not going to play for us.”

After the game, the scout will talk with the kid, but what they say to each other doesn’t matter as much as where the kid’s eyes are looking.

“We place a high priority on eye contact. Will the player hear his coach or will he listen to his coach? We believe if he’s looking at the coach, he will retain what the coach is saying.

“Believe it or not, I once was speaking with a possible recruit when his cellphone rang,” said the scout. “He answered the call. It was his girlfriend. I didn’t stick around to find out why she wanted to talk to him.”

Body language and eye contact are not just important in baseball. Psychologists say that if someone lowers their eyes while you speak to them, he feels intimidated by you, possibly because you may have a position of authority. If he looks to either side, then he’s showing you he doesn’t care what you are talking about. Holding eye contact into a stare is an attempt to make you feel uncomfortable. The best eye contact includes natural blinking and nodding. This mannerism means he or she is very interested in what you have to say.

Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster, said, “We’re losing social skills, the human interaction skills, how to read a person’s mood, to read their body language, how to be patient until the moment is right to make or press a point. Too much exclusive use of electronic information dehumanizes what is a very, very important part of community life and living together.”

Chinese folk singer Peng Liyuan said, “There is a saying, ‘Eyes are the windows to the soul.’ It means people can see through someone else by eye contact in 7 seconds. I have a habit that if I meet someone I don’t know, I’d like to look at her or his eyes on purpose. When my eyes lay on them, I can immediately see their true color.”

Beware the one who sits or stands with folded arms, for that is a sign you are not welcomed or you are about to hear something that will make you upset. Of course, someone who turns his back while you talk isn’t the least bit interested in what you have to say.

Eye contact is difficult for children, but body language comes easy when they express their moods. Teenagers avoid eye contact with each other and pretty much with everyone else.

Do you remember hearing this classic line from a parent who angrily shouted, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”? That for me was more frightening than any words that were spoken afterward.

Sometimes, truth and lies can be better determined from the body and eyes and not from words that come from the mouth. The next person who talks to you, try not to listen for a while. Just observe.

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.