The benefits of parental neglect

A few years ago, I realized that having grown up in a dysfunctional home had its rewards.

With a mother and father who were chronically ill or under the influence, I learned by age 11 that if I wanted anything, I would have to get it myself. I began by saving quarters from my newspaper delivery job to buy fishing supplies along with a baseball bat and glove.

From my meager profits of working in a grocery store, I bought myself a stereo record player for my high school graduation present, and later, paid for a used car from my savings.

I worked three jobs while I went to Rutgers University and made my last loan payment 10 years after I earned my degree.

I certainly didn’t choose to grow into manhood under these circumstances and I’m not looking for anyone’s praise or sympathy. Ultimately, my upbringing shaped my resilient character.

What I got from what I didn’t get was a sense of responsibility and a good work ethic.

From back then until now, too much parental neglect has evolved into too much parenting. Well-meaning mothers and fathers are raising irresponsible children. Their love for their kids is often given though material purchases and behavioral controls.

A dean from Stanford University says the reason for “overparenting” is a desire to “engineer” particular outcomes for their children. Parents will often try to sculpt their 12-year-old son into what they believe he should become some six years later, and that is an excellent candidate for a top-rated college.

They will even go as far as finish his English essays and do his science projects. They will confront his teachers to argue unsatisfactory grades.

They will sign him up for sports, clubs and résumé building events even if their son shows little interest in any of them. They will choose a passion for him too, while he stands there with eyes fixed to the floor.

The engineers of childhood can also move into a lockdown mode that places the kid inside a protective bubble.

This 12-year-old can’t belong to the summer recreation park program because some of the kids who go there might be bad influences.

Home and cyber-schooling numbers are on the rise, in part, to protect children from of a perception that public school hallways are breeding grounds for drug addiction and juvenile delinquency.

The consequences of overparenting can be serious. Children grow into adults who become depressed, anxious and hopeless. The “superhuman” teen as the Stanford dean describes, lacks work ethic and social interaction skills. He cannot recover from obvious failures that happen to everyone. Even the straight “A” college student never learns that the recipe for success in life is not printed onto a report card.

Research suggests that problem-solving skills are learned during childhood if parents allow their kids to make their own well-thought-out decisions. Their children then understand how the outcomes of those decisions affect going forward.

Like many kids, I made some poor decisions, but I learned to live by the words, “Making a poor decision is a human mistake. Making that same poor decision again is stupid.”

I have rationalized my upbringing. It was necessary that I was born into my particular family so I could gain survival skills and pass my knowledge along to my own children.

I’ve often heard parents say, “I want my children to have what I didn’t have while I was growing up.” Perhaps these parents don’t realize that their kids are better off not having whatever was never given.

I must admit that at times I’ve been guilty of giving my kids more than they need, and yet I still stay true to the course with the old saying. “Less is more.”

The Stanford dean says parents only need to do a few simple things for children to have a chance of attaining a successful life.

Tell them to do their chores.

Show them what real love is.

Teach them compassion.

Our children, no matter what their age, will always be our babies, but that doesn’t mean we should treat them that way.

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.