As we age, it's harder to make new friends

When was the last time you made the effort to make a new friend?

If you're a kid, the answer might be 10 minutes ago. Kids have a knack for making new friends.

They see someone about their own age, give a little smile, and ask if they want to play. Or, they just start talking.

There is no hesitation, no awkwardness, no worrying about what they say or how they will be perceived.

Remember those days?

The farther away from childhood we are, the harder it is to easily reach out to a new friend.

The older we grow, the harder it is.

A few weeks ago, a 50-year-old woman brought up the subject of making new friends, lamenting the fact that she no longer knew how.

"It was easy when I had kids in school," she said. "When I stood waiting for my kids outside the school with other parents, we quickly made friends. It was easy because we had so much in common."

For years, she had a lot of friends.

"We watched our kids play sports and formed fairly good friendships from our years together," she said.

But when the kids scattered to other places, so did the parents. She doesn't work outside the home, so there is no such thing as friends from work.

What she learned is when there is no immediate circle of people around you, the only way to make new friends is to join clubs and organizations. But those friendships take time to develop. Unlike little kids who take one look and form instant friendships, adults have a "getting to know you process."

"And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, or how many groups you join, friendships don't happen," noted another friend.

She says she joined an exercise group and a camera club with disappointing results. "People come to those things, do their bit and leave. They're not interested in getting to know you," she says.

Ever since we had that conversation a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about new friendships. While many people tend to stick to their immediate circle, there are plenty of others looking for friends.

In order for a new friendship to flourish, someone has to make the first move.

"Want to go for coffee after the meeting," could be one way to get to know someone.

That's exactly what happened when I joined Moe Jerant's djembe drum circle in Bethlehem. At the first class I met an outgoing woman named Rae Ann and we just clicked.

I'm not sure if it was her suggestion or mine, but we ended up going for coffee after class.

Twelve years later, we are still close friends.

I can look back at the rewarding friendships in my life and see how several started that exact way.

Once I went to a meeting where I quickly realized I would never again return once the night was over. Vicious gossip was a turnoff.

But here's what happened. One woman rolled her eyes as if to say, "Can you believe this?" We left together and went for coffee. Priscilla and I became best friends for more than 30 years.

I often hear retired people say there is an absence of friends in their life.

I met a recently widowed woman at an association meeting and struck up a conversation. She said she was lonely and couldn't make new friends.

When she and her husband relocated to Florida, they left behind their friends in Pennsylvania. While her husband was still alive, she said she didn't realize they failed to replace those friends.

Now, she doesn't have the slightest idea how to start fresh and find people who might share her interests.

It's a truism that when you're still hurting from the loss of a spouse, it's hard to put on a smile and reach out to others for friendship.

It's hard, but it's crucially important to do it.

I reminded the woman there are so many other women in her housing development who are also alone. They, too, might welcome new friendships.

But someone has to be the one that gets the ball rolling.

A few years ago I saw a small blurb in the paper saying a woman was starting a girls night out for those interested in meeting new people.

That first night 12 women showed up. Every week their numbers kept growing until they had to break the group into smaller numbers so they could get to know each other.

A recent widow who realized her married friends no longer called her started Girls Night Out. It was her way of making new friends. There are many women here who now have a better social life, thanks to Trixie.

I have a lot of social friends. What binds us together is a mutual activity. My husband and I feel blessed to have dancing friends, kayaking friends and biking friends.

But when we no longer do those activities with a club, the friendships don't prevail. I've learned there is a big difference between an activity friend and a true friend.

I am confident I can make new friends, the same way I did in the past.

Yes, it gets harder as we age. But friendships will always flourish - if you seek them out.